FIRST PREGNANCY:
I remember the day when I saw those 2 dark lines on the home pregnancy test... I couldn't believe my eyes. I had stared it for minutes and then jumped up and down... It was around 4 am when I had tested. Weak pregnant bladder had woken me up and I had taken the test.
By 5 am my whole family - residing in 4 different locations - was up and celebrating. There was not a single family member I hadn't called. I was that excited. Even my husband was over the moon. He, in his sleepy state, couldn't even believe at first.
It was the happiest day of my life and I still, at times, remember and cherish those moments. Today my son is almost two years old and I love him to my core... Now I know what they mean by mother's self-less and unconditional love.
SECOND PREGNANCY:
Where the news of the first pregnancy was surprising, the news of the second one is shocking!
Today I saw those 2 dark lines again... and again I couldn't believe my eyes. Again I stared at it for a few minutes, but this time I was horrified.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my mind was screaming. I am not prepared for it.
My current life is simple and happy. I feel blessed when I spend time with my beautiful son and husband. And do I want another child? Yes... but when I am not prepared. Daily I take my son down to the park and as I see him try to talk to other kids, stare at them with affection, I feel I should have another child. Not for me, but for my son. He needs his best friend to take birth. Whenever my friends visit, he doesn't let them leave... he wants to play with their kids. And when he cries after their departure, I realize he is lonely and wants company. -- These are the moments when I feel I should have another child but seeing those 2 dark lines today placed everything in perspective.
I AM NOT READY!
My first words, as I grudgingly stepped out of the bathroom, to my husband were - "This is for you, and I am not happy... really not." And I had left the apartment. My first call was to my mother to inform her. She was happy obviously, but it was not the reaction I was looking for. She is a gynecologist and I had called her to know about my options. Yes, I was considering something drastic.
Of course, no one agreed to it.
"At least ask the person who has to endure 9 months of pregnancy, 1 year of breastfeeding, and endless sleepless nights," I howled at my husband as he tried to convince me to continue. He is a patient man, and after a decade of togetherness, he has learned how to deal with my temper. So he did it, effectively.
Anyways, today, on the day when I found out I am pregnant, I am still considering what to do. There are so many things to consider...
1. When I had my first son, I had to leave my job. I became a full-time writer after his birth so that I can take care of him. I wonder now what will happen with the second one. Would I be forced to quit writing too?
2. My son is extremely naughty and needs constant attention. I know these days all kids are so, but only a mother knows the challenge she faces. I wonder how would I manage a newborn while continuously monitoring my son?
3. I love my son so much... I don't think I have enough love in my heart to give to the second one. I read that most mothers feel this way but when the new baby comes along, they love both equally. Would I be able to do that?
4. I fear I would make my son insecure while I will take care of my newborn. Again, I am sure this fear is in all mothers, but would I make this mistake? I feel it is very likely because I am a weird person!
5. And lastly, would I survive this? I almost died on the birthing table during the first pregnancy. I still have side-effects of the issues caused due to the negligence of the hospital staff. I fear what would happen in the second one.
You might feel I am ranting here... but believe me that I actually am. I am writing to release all the fears that are creeping inside. I am sharing because I know somewhere around the world there are mothers who feel (or have felt) the same way.
I will continue with the blog and post every time something new happens.
Feel free to continue reading if it interests you or helps you. Ignore if you don't like. Just please don't leave any hate comments because I am already stressed.
Thank you.
A New Mom-to-be
